I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
