we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
