omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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