Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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