Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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