I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I look better un-naked...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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