I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I need a burrito and a hug.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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