did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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