that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
