There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
