so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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