her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
