the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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