My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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