I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
