You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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