I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
