I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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