dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
