i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
