I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
