im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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