Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think people are normalizing furries
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
