just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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