mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
