the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
