Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize