I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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