Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
