A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
