I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
