I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
