All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize