im six kinds of drunk right now
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
