allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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