I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
