The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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