even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
