I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize