All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
