How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
