see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
did you just send me my own nude
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
