Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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