my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i think i just lost a toe
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
