I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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