I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So. Much. Porn.
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