He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
did i just pee glitter
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
