he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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