I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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