This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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