I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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