if you like me you must not know who I am
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
