unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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