Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
