I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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