I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
