at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
