he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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