I wanna bring you to show and tell
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
