A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
