My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
